Stars

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

That question is a lot of fun to answer between the ages of 4 and 10; we’re all destined to be doctors, firemen, and astronauts off exploring other galaxies. But then we actually grow up, and the question is no longer, “What do you want to be?” it’s “What the fuck am I going to do?!”

200 years ago, and millennia before that, John, Juan, and Yohan didn’t wonder what they were going to do, they already knew; they would do what their fathers did before them. It’s what they knew, it was in their genes. It was obvious and I think they mostly accepted it, but here we are in our modern age, and the world is spread out before us, the possibilities are infinite, and I’m watching my generation drown in that sea. From young we’re taught to aspire for so much. “Reach for the stars!” they tell us, but who’s the idiot that decided that stars were the things to try and grab?! You know what stars are? Big burning balls of gas and fire. “You can do whatever you want to do, and be whatever you want to be! A doctor! A lawyer! The PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES!!! The world is yours!” And we get caught up on those dreams, snagged upon crescent moons, obsessed and decimated by desires and expectations, and along the way we forget to trust ourselves.

And we’re terrified, because we look at the generation beyond us, and we see a group of people who seem so dissatisfied, so unfulfilled. We listen to them as they list out their regrets—the jobs they chose, the people they married, their unattempted dreams—and we swear solemn oaths to never follow in their footsteps. “I’ll never settle! I’ll never settle!” we chant out like a mantra to keep us safe, but we try so hard to avoid having their regrets that we become unsure of ourselves, the things we love and the people we know ourselves to be. “What if I make the wrong decision and then there is no going back?!”

Jesus was a carpenter. Mohammed (peace be upon him) was a trader. Moses was a shepherd. Gandhi was a lawyer. Mother Teresa was a nun. MLK was a minister. But it wasn’t Jesus’ woodwork that changed the world, nor was it Gandhi’s law practice that brought down the British crown in India; no, it was much more. Professions are the ways by which we live, avenues for us to explore the world and ourselves, outlets for our passions. Sometimes we’re born into them, sometimes they come naturally, sometimes they’re a distraction. Regardless of what they may be, they should never define us, the legacies that we leave, or the lives that we live. The marks we leave on the world are based in who we are and how we are with others; the manner in which we live our lives.

My father was a carpenter for much of his early life, but he left it for grander things. He traveled the world, served in the government, became a college professor and excelled in Academia. One day, on his way to class, his briefcase in his hand, he turned to my mother and said, “You know, I think I would have been happier as a carpenter.” All the things we chase.

So what the fuck am I going to do? Well, I’m done reaching for stars, I’ll tell you that. I just got tired of standing on my tippy-toes grabbing at things outside of my world. There are so many things that I love to do, but I can’t do them all, at least not all at once, so I’m going to focus on one, follow that through, and see what comes from it. I used to be so obsessed with what I wanted to be and being the best at whatever that might be. Today I just want to be happy, and as far as being the best is concerned, I’m just trying to be my best. That’s probably the only thing that no one can do better than me…and I’m not even that good at it yet. I may never be a great name in history, but maybe, if I try really hard, I’ll be a good teacher, writer, friend, son, brother, husband, father, and I’ll find contentment in that. All other things can fall away, because, to be quite frank, I won’t get to see those damn history books anyways! Ha!

It’s so easy to get caught up in every step at every fork. This way or that? Now or later? But the fact is, there are a thousand ways of getting there, wherever there may be. You may not realize it, but you’re already well on your way as is.

And all the hurrying, and all the fussing and stressing, well it ain’t gonna get you there any faster. You’re gonna get there when you get there, and you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do. Take the days as they come, and the nights as they leave. Sun to moon and back again, one by one. Try your best, but accept your failings. There is no future for a person weighed down by doubt and guilt, regret and shame, and if you’ve lacked courage, stand now and face it down and all the years prior will no longer be in vain.