Me and My Sporadic Ways

“I really like this girl.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah man, like, I can’t get her out of my head. I’m stuck on her!”
“You’re always stuck on a girl…that’s who you are. Get back to me in a couple weeks.”

That six sentence conversation has become the central point of my struggles with my friends and with myself. I’m really into a girl at the moment, but she’s known me for a while, and her worry is that even though I’m sprung on her now, in two weeks I’m going to be bored and want to move on. I’ll tell you what I told her, “BUT THIS IS DIFFERENT!!!” When isn’t it different? If it isn’t different, you should’ve stayed with that other girl that was the same, then you could’ve saved all that time and heartache.

So…this girl. She and I were texting back and forth the other night, talking about me and what she called my “sporadic ways.” “Unstable” “nomadic” “free spirited” “wandering” “gypsy” “lost” “confused” “evolving” “artistic” “searching” “restless”—the list of names and phrases that have been given to me by friends and family goes on and on. In Islam they say that God has 99 names. I probably have 24. (That was intended to be funny, not blasphemous. My apologies to God.) In the last 9 years I have earned those names, because in the last nine years I have:

Traveled to 18 countries and 48 states;
Worked as a pizza delivery boy, a high school teacher, a substitute, a waiter, a camp counselor, a carpenter’s apprentice, and an English teacher for German corporations…not to mention the odd jobs in between;
Converted to Catholicism, considered the priesthood, nearly converted to Islam, and am now studying the teachings of the Baha’i Faith…far from the halls of the Roman Catholic Church;
Spent 3 summers in the hills of Eastern Kentucky, 2 on Cape Cod, and only 3 in Los Angeles;
Lived in about 11 places for at least 2 months, and only lived in one of those for over a year;
Served as a Peace Corps volunteer;
Tried out for the Real World;
Fallen in and out of love a few dozen times;
Hitchhiked across America;
And of course, etcetera, etcetera

Do you know what it’s like to have your feelings, the feelings that are borne out of your own heart and mind, called into question by your most loved ones? Do you? I do. It happens all the time and with everything I do. “Sure you like her Sergio,” said in a condescending voice. I DO like her…a lot. Why would I say it if I didn’t? Maybe in two weeks I won’t be into her anymore, but does that mean that I was lying that whole time? No, it just means that my feelings changed. Is this scary if you’re her? Sure. But hey, I am who I am, and isn’t it better than I tell the girl 2 weeks later, rather than wait 3 years, on the verge of getting engaged? I think it is.

One thing that I left out of that long list is that I have only had one romantic relationship in all that time, and that was nearly 7 years ago. It only lasted 5 months. You know who that’s a big deal for? Everyone but me. Society makes me feel like I’m some kind of freak, and maybe I am, but what if I was in a new long-term relationship every year? If I was 27 and had had three relationships, one of 3 years, one of 4 years, and one of a year, would I be more put together? When I get involved with someone I look down the line, and if I don’t see it happening, then I save us a couple years and bow out. People criticize me for it, but that’s what makes the most sense to me. Then again, maybe it’s just a convenient cop out. Who knows?

A couple of months ago one of my best friends asked me, “Sergio, can’t you just take it easy bro? Like, get to know a girl, move slowly and let it develop. Why do you have to be so in so quickly?” For the last 10 years I’ve wondered the same, and for the last 10 years I’ve wanted to be that easy guy, but I came to a conclusion that night: I AM NEVER GOING TO BE THAT GUY, and you know why? Because this is who I am. And it’s not just with women, it’s with everything. 2 months ago I started biking. Last week I spent $1,200 on a new bike that I’m planning on riding across the country at some point. I go big! My email address is DREAMBIG! and I believe in doing just that. This is who I am—can I change that? Maybe, but the question is, “Do I really want to change that?” Nah…not really. You see, I like this crazy fucker, and if you’re reading this, you like this fucker too.

So how did I put her at ease? I texted her the following, “Let this comfort you: 10 years ago I was absolutely sure that I was going to be a business man making six figures by the age of 26. No one could tell me any different. 6 months ago I was on the verge of dropping on my knees and committing my life to Islam. But then again, 10 years ago I said, ‘I want to travel the world. I want to go all over,’ and 8 years ago I said, ‘I think I want to be a writer…I absolutely love writing.” She knows me, you may not, so I’ll tell you, I am not a Muslim business man making six figures, but I am an aspiring writer who has traveled a little more than a bit. I continued, “I’m passionate about EVERYTHING from the outset, but there is no way that I am going to do EVERYTHING that I’m passionate about. If you like something, you look into it further and learn more about it. If you still like it, you pursue it. If not, you let it go. I’m pursuing you.” I’m pursuing her, I’m pursuing it, I’m pursuing life. Hey, if nothing else, at least it’s exciting right?

For the first time in my life, I’ve given up feeling guilty or hating myself for doing things or seeing things in ways that are so different from everyone else. Put even more accurately, for the first time in my life I have begun to trust myself and my feelings, and see them as valid and of worth. I may never be “stable” and I may never have the life that my friends may want for me, but maybe I’ll have the life I want for myself. I may never achieve a constant contentment, but if the coming years are anything like the past 27, I will soar to heights untouched by most, balanced out by fumbling in the mire of abysses unexplored.

I haven’t felt this good with myself in years.

“Don’t talk about it, be about it. Be all about it!”

Peace